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Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
12:38 pm - Binge speaking while drinking coffee
It's raining, it's also warm. I am drinking espresso and I am feeling creative today. Things are looking up.

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Friday, September 25th, 2009
11:14 pm - a lot has happened
Well, I took off to Europe 2 days after my surgery. Crutching all over London, Paris and the majority of southern Ireland. Adventure. It was great, I was a sweaty mess and completely messed up on my pain meds, but it was fun. I took 3 months of disability leave when I got back, which was...really boring. Then I went back to work for a month and finally quit when my gramps died. A total of five years wasted. I moved out of my apartment I had been living in for a year and a half and moved back to Syracuse. I live practically on SU campus now. Drunk college kids scream, piss, and vomit out my bedroom window. I haven't looked for a job yet, which is freaking everyone out...but me. I have been able to pay rent somehow for 2 months now. I have been surviving on poker winnings for the most part. Is it wrong to never want to work again? My medical insurance only covered 10% of my medical expenses, so I decided not to pay any of those bills, or any other bills for that matter. Haha. This sounds like something terribly wrong is happening with my life. My mom called me yesterday morning when I was sleeping. She told me to get a job, to get a gun, learn how to shoot it and to take survival training because 2012 is coming. I think that is her idea of a family activity. My sister is going to SU now so she lives 3 blocks from me. I live above a trendy coffee shop and a bar. I am able to pick up an awesome wireless signal as the coffee shop has free wifi below me. This all sounds like it needs a good dramatic ending. Nah.

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Saturday, April 11th, 2009
9:16 am - the obstacle
I detached my achilles tendon at the gym on Monday playing basketball at 6am and then had surgery on Tuesday at 7:30am to attach it. I've missed work this week, they are putting me on a leave of absence via a note from my doctor for no work until further notice. I will sum the above statement up in 2 words: Not good.

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Thursday, March 26th, 2009
5:08 pm - calm down
A trainer at work had what I consider a mental breakdown today at work. It made me kinda sad. He just started pouring his heart out, said he was going to have a panic attack. He was pretty convinced he was getting fired. That place is so fucked. I've worked there for 4 years and every time I see somebody get fired, I think they're coming after me next. My whole vacation thing is freaking me out, I told them in January I was going to Europe and I needed the time off, I Had my boss, my bosses boss and the whole building telling me I could take it, then next thing you know...I'm in training, I can't miss any days of it and it lasts 2 months. I told them I would only be transfered if I could have the time off, they agreed....This chick I work with had similar plans to go to on vacation at the same time, all the bosses said she could go too...now they say she can't. I will totally quit that place if I don't get the time off. I told them that too. I like the idea of the system admin certification but I i'm not messing around. I really need to get out of this place.

I broke my hand a few weeks ago and have been letting it heal on it's own, which was a horrible idea but I figured it would be fine, and my medical insurance sucks dick. It was, until everybody in the world decided to want to shake my hand. My bosses boss, went to shake my hand, and of course I held it out...then screamed. He looked scared. The past 2 weeks, chicks have been dancing with me when I go out, and they grab it...pain! Then today, the trainer wanted to shake my hand before I left for the day, so I stuck out like a genius, all i could mutter was..."broken" after he grabbed it. It was feeling better, now i think I should go to the doctor.

I think I i'm going to nap now.

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Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
7:25 pm - Snap
It's been a long time. I'm going to Europe next month which should be awesome, quit smoking started going to the gym...started smoking again and stopped going to the gym so much. I'm going to watch a totally awesome movie right now.

End.

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Sunday, July 20th, 2008
4:42 am - shit
well me an Rachelle hooked up again, it's fucking up my social activities. I'm really close with her brother and he's moving next week. He's pissed, he doesn't like her much. My roommate loves to fill me in on the latest gossip on who she's recently being hooking up with, because he hates her. Everybody seems to hate her. I should hate her. I don't. Maybe it's the sex. Maybe it's the feeling I get when I look into her eyes and we kiss. It's not simple. The outcome will probably be the same. I'm keeping options open with other chicka's but nobody makes me feel like she does. My dad is up from Massachusetts and he wants to go on a picnic tomorrow at westcotts. I do not. I have shit to do. I spent most of the day with him today and he said approximately 5 sentences to me. He told me I should become a plumber and I should know how to fix brake lines on my truck without going to the shop. He is a ho.I'm supposed to go to Rachelle's sisters baby shower tomorrow at their cottage. It's slightly important...almost more important than standing around trying to pretend to care about how to fix cars. I am gay. End.

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Saturday, July 12th, 2008
1:33 am - To: The people that are good, The people that are bad and the just plain scum ugly that inhabit life
I'm totally making all the right mistakes as usual. I run around, look at people, run from them, run back at them. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to Cuse, I was supposed to go there wed, and Thursday and never went. I feel like I'm never going to be less busy again. When I am, I will be bored. So it's all the same. I don't know whats been going through my head lately, I've been apologizing to people I hate, and not hanging out with people I really like. I'm blowing off everybody that I care about so I can get more of the same tried and true drama. I cannot wait to move, I have been here for way way way way too long. My original reasons for coming back were so dumb, and now that they have been all almost forgotten...I'm just here. I've been yelling at people at work everyday. I hate my job and my bills. I slept all day at work today, I woke up and somebody asked if I was looking to get a promotion. Thats how the last guy got promoted, so I'm on the right track I guess. I'm going to get super busy tomorrow, photography, then Cuse, then Jesse's last show. Sunday, I will rest. Monday I will die again, next Friday I will be reborn, with paycheck in hand. I need to start running away from walls. Goal set.

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
11:43 pm - WOAH
Okay, it's been awhile. I was just looking through some old entries and noticed that everything is the same and nothing has changed. I ended up dating Rachelle recently and that ended the same way it did when farmer was seeing her. No hope for that chicka. Jenn and Cody are prego, Jenn and Cody are engaged. I'm planning on going to Oregon still, 5 years after the original thought. I'm still freaking out constantly. Mike just bought a house and had a kid. Sara just got out of rehab after a year. Everybody in Watertown smokes crack or does heroin. I hate my job still, I work at stream still for Samsung. 3 years as of a few days ago. I just went to the store and purchased condoms and KY. I'm never having sex again, they last until 2012, I think thats when the world is going to end. I just submitted some of my pictures to an art show marissa and tony threw over the past weekend. I'm going back to college for the 4th time. I am drinking soy milk trying not to flip out. I feel better. This is very random. The end.

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Thursday, November 23rd, 2006
10:40 pm - stuffed
I left work 5 hours early today...and ate too much food. I feel so fat right now. I didn't eat for 2 days...now...my stomach feels like it's over expanded...my chest feels heavy like i might have a heart attack.

On the up and up...bens dad said he's going to fix my car this weekend. Also I saw my mom and sister today which was good. I guess she's going to italy this spring...she asked me if I wanted anything. I should have said that I want to go...but I don't have a couple grand to blow on it...also my vacation time at work is sometimes unreliable.

I'm going to finish watching 12 monkeys...and pass out...long day at work tomorrow, and then sitting by myself while everybody I know goes and gets drunk. Yahoo.

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Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
11:47 am - alcohol
I've been way too stupid for way to long. I'm 23 now, not doing anything that I want...working at a mind numbing job. I realized that I have drank just about every week since I was like 18 or so..which really wouldn't be bad if I accomplished anything during that time. All my friends are alcoholics...I'm an alcoholic. My aunt last week compared me to my uncle who has been an alcoholic his whole life and at the age of 50 something finally quit, he has nothing, no friends and no life. I've decided to stop drinking for 30 days...at the very least. I don't want to ever have to look back and remember all the great times I have had....and only remember a beer in my hand.

Last night I had a bunch of people over...they all got trashed and I didn't. It was kinda fun still, I stayed up till like 4:30 am with them, then I went to bed...I woke up at like 8:30 today, went out and had some breakfast with a friend and talked. My car broke down on monday, which sucks...i'm trying to get all my stuff together to go back to college...Also cut back on hanging out with people. I'm gonna setup my darkroom and develop some pictures this week, my photopaper expired in sep. but it still should work. Also, since i'll have all this extra free time from not drinking, i'll attempt to learn more than the 3 chords I know on my banjo...maybe try and play a few songs or something.

I have about an hour and 15 minutes to get to work...I think i'm going to go in early and do some reading at my desk.

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Sunday, November 19th, 2006
7:30 pm - Dumb
I am dumb. I woke up at 3pm today. I am never drinking again. Ever. Again.
I have court in the morning. I am tired. I've been awake for 3 1/2 hours, good fight...good night.

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Thursday, November 16th, 2006
12:21 pm - apple sauce
Last night...I became inebriated. Mike waited outside for like an hour for a cab to show up, which never did. That was funny. When I got home I made bacon, eggs, bagels and home fries sliced from the finest Idaho Potatoes, all cooked in unhealthy old grease. It's like 65 degrees outside. I am broke. My car is still leaking gas. I woke up early to give mike a ride home as he crashed on my couch. I've been wanting to wake up early all week....but i've been sleeping in until I have like 20 minutes to get to work. Monday I have court which is good. I've been to court 6 times. I have to pay $439 in restitution which is ballsacking my whole paycheck...i'd like to give them my money asap so I can get this done with...I hit a parked car in june....now...5 months later they are getting around to getting it resolved. Ben made pot roast last night....he said it would be done at 8am...aka 4 hours ago.

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Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
4:26 am - dicks wet that ends wet
dude. It's 4:20. I think i should do drugs again. It's been years. One does not forget how to ride a bike.

On to other news, I am tired. 2 girls came over to my house a few hours ago...they were weird. Maybe i'm weird. They were drunk. I was sober. How does one handle something like that? I'm glad they left...they were lame. I hate cellphones. Thats all they did...I made the one girl toast. She rejected my toast. She said my toast was not good. Bitch. Seriously. Toast...is toast. She was ugly and fat...Just like her personality. Her friend was skecthy...I didn't get laid...again.

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Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
2:39 am - deleted!
I deleted my myspace. Why? I am not some fucking retard. No offense to whatever, but that shit is beat. The end of pretending. I am not that person. I am me. Nobody is real on that shit. I feel free.

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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
12:51 am - woah
Okay i've been freaking out. I've been doing a lot of crazy thinking lately...like "I could join the army!" or...well that sums it up. It sucks being alone here. I haven't really felt this alone since high school. I was far more alone then...but I don't know. It seems like all the time my friends seem to dwindle down...cassie just took off to cali, everybody else is having kids or just don't hang out. It seems like everybody is settling down, but i'm not ready for all that...maybe i need to grow up or something....but my life feels like its already starting to end and i'm 22. I was think maybe I should start talking to a shrink again...maybe get on something to level me out...I've been having serious issues talking to people i don't know...it really didn't matter before because there were a shit load of people to hang out with and thats how i met people...but all of them are gone it seems. I've relied on that for a long time. I make friends with my friends-friends...then I have friends.

Work is getting real bad...I've gone weeks there without talking to single person. When i do talk to somebody it's brief. I so uncomfortable there, or outside. I don't know. I'm seriously getting fucked up. I don't do drugs, I drink...but none of that stuff helps me anymore. I'm going back to college...I think i need to get on some drugs or get some meds...or something..I sounds like a retard.

It all sounds so pathetic. It seriously is. " I need something to make me normal" type conversation with myself. I like myself and all that great stuff...but I would like to relax. I have to go out and meet some people...but the condition i'm in, it isn't going to work very well.

I have spent most of my life whinning about something or another...

"question and answer"
by charles bukowski

he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer
night, running the blade of the knife
under his fingernails, smiling, thinking
of all the letters he had received
telling him that
the way he lived and wrote about
that--
it had kept them going when
all seemed
truly
hopeless.

putting the blade on the table, he
flicked it with a finger
and it whirled
in a flashing circle
under the light.

who the hell is going to save
me? he
thought.

as the knife stopped spinning
the answer came:
you're going to have to
save yourself.

still smiling,
a: he lit a
cigarette
b: he poured
another
drink
c: gave the blade
another
spin.

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Friday, August 18th, 2006
3:05 am - so slow
My life isn't worth a shit anymore. Seriously...i almost flipped out, I was watching a movie with a friend and I almost had a panic attack. I am totally alone here, I don't have any back up. I am too old for back up. My mom lives in liverpool...I can't stay with her even if I wanted to. I have no place to live. Well I have my apartment and stuff. But what if I lose my job? Or what if I can't afford to live here anymore...which is probably going to be the case as my lease is up in october...and my rent is going to get jacked up another $150 a month. Everybody I know is in some kind of relationship or have kids....Nobody's going to let their boyfriend/girlfriend go homeless...or lose all their shit. I need to get an apartment with some roommates. I've lived alone for a year now and I've been completely broke...well not really broke. Okay so...I've survived okay by myself. I've eaten just about everyday...and I have a cell phone/internet. I am whining about nothing. Everything feels like it's up in the air somehow. I've had my job for like a year...so i don't really think they want to fire me...I don't know. I have fines and stuff from hitting that parked car a few months ago...conviently 2 days after I have to renew my lease and get renters insurance and my mom is giving me her old car....which is another expense...and I'm going back to college in the spring. I quit smoking kinda. enough.

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Thursday, May 25th, 2006
2:17 am - Burrito.
I just made a burrito. I feel better. Today(this week too) was really weird. I feel like shit kind of. I went to a cook out. I went square dancing. My friend got beat up and I chased one of the guys that did it until the cops caught him. An old friend just moved back to town and I haven't seen her in like 2 1/2 years...and my friend natalie called tonight and I haven't talked to on the phone for like a year or seen her in the flesh in like 3. I think it was too much today...too much activity.

Dear burrito,
I think I love you.
Your beans with cheese arouse a curious feeling in me.
The dangerous dance that ensues every time we meet, keeps me on my toes.
....you must understand...I just don't want to get burned.
again.

I watched tv 3 times in the past week....and 2 out of the 3 times I tried to watch it, I felt sick. I was flipping through the channels and it was on some home improvement show on abc...and they did this thing where they looped this guys facial expressions and put sound effects to it....and I didn't think it was going to end...and I felt like I was going to be sick. So I had to shut off the tv immediately. Then I was at the bar earlier today between square dances...and there was this thing for american idol on tv and they looped that one guy on it making weird faces...and i don't know. I think today was just way too much, I think my friend getting jumped freaked me out more than I originally thought...maybe too much adrenaline.

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Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
5:01 am
I think I've been taking life to seriously. For way to long. I do suck sometimes...but I don't know. I don't even know why I'm doing half the things i'm doing. I'm 22 and i'm totally out of it. I don't know who i'm trying to be. I gotta chill out. I need to take a break from thinking cause it's getting me nowheres. I think i'm gonna start to roll with things more, no more of this depressed bullshit. I have a nice apartment, a best friend, a decent job...well maybe not that decent, but it could be worse. I need to stop being a so anal. eh yeah.

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2:14 am
I'm a wicked scumbag. I forget sometimes. Maybe I don't completely forget, maybe thats where my underlying hatred of myself comes from.... Times when I'm not exactly sure why I feel like shit and I do...there are good reasons...even if i'm not directly thinking about them. I want cancer...can a cancer get cancer? this is retarded. I am fucking loser.

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Saturday, April 1st, 2006
4:14 pm
I'm really dumb. I can't handle it. I don't know why I hangout with brynna. She treats me like a leper. She only hangs out with because i'm the only person that is there. I thought for awhile that she actually was my friend. She just uses me just like everybody that has used her in the past. I guess me being her friend is to even the score for the way she's been treated in her life by people who said they were her friends. I got myself caught up in believing she cared about me...now I don't have anything left. It's my fault that she treats me like this...because I let her. I don't even know.

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